Waking up at twilight of last Sunday, I felt vulnerable and helpless because the dream I just had horrified me. There was not any scary monster or haunting ghosts. I would not be afraid if there is anyway. I remembered the first scene was my fiancé taking me home on his motorbike.
It was a dark evening. As we reached the corner to my house, the road was blocked by some authorities and the passengers had to queue to get through some check-up, which was reasonable because of the COVID-19 outbreak. We did not want to queue so we turned left to another route. Suddenly, without any reason, I was running in a rush down the stairs of a balcony at the front of a wooden building with my barefoot. It seemed to be a restaurant as I ran pass tables and tables of foreigners eating and drinking beer. I had to squeeze myself through all the people, since it was crowded. I wanted to go home so badly, as if I was lost in this place for so long. When I reached ground floor, I saw an acquaintance or an old friends of mine (I forgot). I begged her to lend me her phone so that I could call someone to take me home. However, when I got the phone, I realized that I don’t remember my mom’s phone number but one of my best friends’ number. I dialed and she picked up the phone. I asked her to come and pick me up. She hesitated and coldly rejected my request. Then I woke up.
The air-conditioner was still on which means it was before 3:30am. I felt so down, cold and alone. I used to read from somewhere about sleeping in a cold environment is likely to trigger nightmare, but as I recalled the dream later on, I noticed that it was exactly a reflection of my career situation right now—wanting to quit the current workplace, but not confident enough to find a new job or a new career path.
First of all, the desire to go home could be the desire to find the next venture. My fiancé is always supportive and encouraging to me. He believes that I have potential to achieve almost everything, which is why he knew the route and other alternatives, when one road is blocked, to the destination I wanted to go—home. However, he could not take me there because I was still lost, lost in the crowd of people I don’t know (co-workers) at a place I no longer recognize (my current workplace). My current co-workers are great; only one of them is difficult to work with, but the tasks I am doing in this work position seems to becoming more and more unfamiliar to me. In my dream, I did not feel familiar with the place and tried my best to escape. When I was finally had a chance to ask for help, I knew I could not ask my mom; therefore, I forgot her contact number, which by the way I can definitely recall while awake, because she could not help me. So did my best friend. “Some walk you have to walk alone.” This is a sentence from The Hunger Game – Catching Fire (if I am not wrong). I could truly understand it now. No one could save me from this maze that I am in now. Only if I work extra hard—walking without my shoes on—to find the direction to destination I long for. Although I might get lost and stray further from home, I still have to do it or I will have to stay in this lost world.
Actually, I have been having similar dreams recently, such as having a break-in at home, being left out when all my friends were going on a trip etc. Or maybe I over-analyze these dreams. I would not say that I am depress right now. Actually, I feel pretty fine, but lack of motivation to do almost everything properly. Most of the time, I am on auto-pilot mode. I am always absentminded and forgetful lately. I also become more and more forgetful of everything, such as things I have promised or task I should do next. It could be counted as I am just slacking off, and I do agree with you, which is why I am trying to earn my way back to the principled, well-organized, and hard-working self.
I read a post on Facebook about recovering from depression today. It said that the process is not linear, that we might fall back to square one the next day, but we have keep trying to get back on our feet even after a hundred times. And that is exactly what I am trying to do right now—giving myself a reason to wake up every day and seek the direction heading home. If you are going through something similar, please keep fighting and never give up.
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