Skip to main content

Is there only me?

Is there only me, or there are people out there who think the same as I do: why do I even exist in this world? Not less than 100 times that I asked myself this question, so I think maybe there are other people who also have the same thought. Or maybe there is only me, this useless me, who realize that I, myself, whose existence does not have any value at all.

Why do I even say so? You must think I am crazy. You must think that after saying such words, I should find an easy way to get rid of this boring life. However, you are not me, you do not have any idea what it is like to walk in my shoe. Home is never a home for me. I can only say it is a building where my family members and I live in. It has lost all the qualifications which a home should have. One thing I should be pleased about is that it is just recently that I found out the warmth and the happiness have vanished. At least, I had enjoyed the past 18 years of my life perfectly. Sadly, whatever I do to recover it was in vain. As a daughter, I could not manage my time to take care of all the housework. As a sister, I am not able to chat with my relatives. All the harmonies that once made this building a place to be myself have all gone. As a lover, I cannot give my partner everything that he needed, what's more is that I am not able to control my temper properly. Problems occur from time to time, and those unhappy event were all because of me. I am just a terrible partner who cannot express my feelings well.

It is so childish of me to expect life to be easy. When all those difficulties in life broke my heart, I always wanted to die. But then I thought dying is just a way to escape from those problems. Moreover, it is very irresponsible to my parents who have brought me up and provided me chance to be educated. Another thing I can think of is that there are people who is struggling for getting enough food to get by. Look at me, I am provided food, shelter, education and so much more which means I do not have the right to give up on my life while I got all the things that other people are dying for.

After all, I seek ways to be happy. One of my friends who is always happy said that if you want to be happy, you should waking up and think of happy things every morning and always be optimistic. I have tried both, but it turns out they did not work at all. Maybe happiness is just a luxury for me now.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

New Start

Time flies! As 2020 was gone along with an all-cap COVID-19, it is February of 2021 already. In a blink of an eye, the clock ticks life away. Before I knew it, I have wasted my time mostly in my comfort-zone. Comparing to the old me one year ago, I have not really changed internally, still the old me with limited knowledge. As I was watching YouTube videos (which is what I do when I want to escape from hard work), I came across videos of a few YouTubers who did self-reflection and concluded their year with their accomplished or unaccomplished resolution they set at the beginning of 2020. They also analyzed why they did or did not complete those goals. This is a wake up call for me. I am starting to ask myself about the achievement I have done in the past year. I have a motto printed on my desk that says: “Life begins at the end of the comfort-zone”, and I believe that it is true. Without hard work, we will stay the same while others are facing challenges and grow from those efforts the...
Post a Comment
Read more

"It's not about the money money money"

Being born and raised in this world for 20 years, I finally have a better picture of how the world really is. When I was young, I always thought that the world is so beautiful a place to live in and that I was so lucky to be a human being who can embrace the intelligence, as well as the fruit of the intelligence of our ancestors. What's more, I always thought that those "make the world a better place"s are goals that keep people working constantly. Maybe if I stay naive like that, I could have a happier life. But no. I have seen so many ugly relationships, in which everyone is trying to get benefit out of the people they are with. You are very likely disagreeing my statement, but I have met people who say sweet words in front of you to get you do things and act like very good people to everyone else, when actually they are trying to use you for their own benefit, and even speak ill of you. Take a look at people around you. Have you ever met the one who talk ...
Post a Comment
Read more

Their Words Don't Count

I went to a reunion gathering with my friends from Chinese school. Everytime we meet up, the bonding in our friendship has been strengthen, upgraded and updated. However, it is a different story this time. Before telling this story, let's rewine to three hours before this when I was at school. I've been putting my heart helping her in her work. Suddenly, when it is decided to have an interview before getting her proposal approved, she pointed the finger to me that I haven't "get any voice" her. Even though I tried my best in explaining the purpose of the interview to her, it seems like not a single word she understand. She just kept complaining about how her effort put in the writing is ruined and how terrible she is when it comes to verbally communicating with people blah blah blah. The fire to my explosion was that she even used all cap in replying the chat. Maybe it was because the conversation was done in writing that I didn't know how her ture feeli...
Post a Comment
Read more